These days I rarely sleep past 2:00 a.m. Sometimes I wake up right at 12. I listen to the Bible on one of my apps while I’m preparing my coffee. I pray about people, about the things that are, about the things I desire, and about the things that God desires, not necessarily in that order. I asked for forgiveness and try to dish it out.
This morning and on other mornings I’ve been thinking about people who are grieving. Erica Kirk, yes. But I have a number of people in my circle who are grieving the losses of their spouses as well. And I’m going to admit this: I am jealous of that. Not of their pain but of the times of love and joy that they had. And of the blessings that some of them still have, namely children and grandchildren.
I had love and joy only once in my life, a very long time ago. And I have no children. I would even be happy to embrace the children and grandchildren of my husband - if I had a husband. But the last three times, it hasn’t worked out. And here I am getting older.
I’ve tried to do things God’s way in my relationships and I watch as other women ignore God and get what they want. These are the things me and God talk about in these early morning hours and these conversations are sometimes less polite than I’m making them out to be here.
From 2003 to 2012, I took care of my great-aunt in her declining years. During that time I finished my novel and got it published. And I tried to have a relationship - one in which I did not obey the Lord. That one fell through. After my aunt passed, I tried to have another relationship, one in which I did obey the Lord. That one fell through too. There have been two more. Both times I obeyed the Lord and those fell through as well.
And what I hate most about all of these things is that when I’m emotionally compromised in the wake of these relationships, I have trouble concentrating on the thing I love doing which is communicating. Writing.
I don’t like writing about my personal life, at least not about my love life. But I figured I’d put like this out here because maybe somebody else is going through this, too. Maybe not the same thing but similar things.
We always hear about women like me - older, no children - due to their choices. Well, I tried and that fell through too and, yes, a lot of this is due to my choices: putting others before myself. Trying to do things the right way.
Do I find myself in this situation because of my personality? That’s possible. But everyone has somebody who will like and/or put up with their personality because of love.
Love.
Something interesting about these last three men: there was a point with all of them where I should have ended it but I didn’t. Each situation was different, but had this in common: they showed me that they had an unfounded presumption about how I think. Short version: they did not love me.
I’m going to try not to make that mistake again.
From my birth, I have been subject to rejection and failure continuously up to this very year. I know it’s no accident and I don’t believe in coincidences. And, ironically God has given me a number of personal gifts. He puts everyone here for His purposes.
What are mine?
To glorify God, of course. And that is why the spiritual attacks upon me have been constant for the last 64 years. I exist to push through the spiritual attacks upon me in faith and to show others how to do it.
For my first 35 or so, I ignored God. And when I stopped doing that and began to consistently reach for and communicate with Him, the attacks, rejections, failures and losses have become more frequent. They’re running about every few months now. There have been three attacks on my car in this year alone, one of which I haven’t even told you about!
But the blessings and sustainment have always been there, too.
Coming back around to forgiveness, recently I was reminded that all of our sins are forgiven in Christ and are remembered no more. They are dropped into the “sea of forgetfulness.” And in Matthew 6, colloquially known as the Lord’s Prayer, we pray that God will forgive us our trespasses as we’ve forgiven those who trespass against us. I’ve been pondering that in the last few months.
My sins are many and horrible and I want God to forget all of them. So how do I forgive those who have rejected me and turned me from their company? That’s what I’m pushing towards.
Something else I know: the devil relies on silence. He makes us ashamed of all the feces that fall on our heads, especially that which we bring upon ourselves by disobeying the Lord and falling into the traps of the Devil’s deception.
But the thing is, this same feces is an indication of our position with the Lord. The devil doesn’t need to attack those who are already in his. I try to remember that as I watch him give everything to his servants.
That’s why I tell you about most of these things and it’s why I want to be more open about it. And to comfort you along with myself.
Well, it’s Sunday and I’m getting ready to get up, do my walk, come back and get ready to go to church.
We’ll see what’s in store for me today.
UPDATE: Paywall removed.
FWIW, I think of you as a part of my family. A cousin who gives good living and writing advice.
Thank you for this essay. God knew that I needed this and you provided, through God!