10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.
Here’s my mood from yesterday.
It certainly is not new, but yesterday things came to a head.
I can’t drive (legally) and because of a glitch in Stripe’s system, I was unable to access any of the money that has been donated or paid to subscribe here. It will be two days before that ends. This is why I’ve been urging you to donate via cash app.
The thing about today is this: I have a regular volunteer commitment at my church on Mondays and, while it’s sometimes a little stressful, it keeps me sane and focused on the Lord.
With no access to money however - not even enough to catch the bus - I had to stay home today, and I felt like a trapped animal, only worse. Useless and hopeless.
I rarely sleep past about 2AM anymore and today was no different. I did the usual: listened to my daily Bible chapters from one of my phone apps and talked to God, but both felt hollow.
Most readers know that I’ve been doing a 3-mile walk, six days a week since March and it has paid off well; I’m 30 pounds down, right where I wanted to be. So, I was thinking about today’s walk which usually happens around sunrise. Instead, I went out at around 2:45 AM on my normal route.
Dangerous? Maybe. There are a lot of jokes about the following - see the subtitle – but I figured out a long time ago that I’m nearly invisible at night when wearing black. So that’s how I dressed. I wore street clothes, not exercise clothes and instead of power-walking, I walked normally as if I were going to the store. Good news: because of my weight loss, I was able to zip up my thermal jacket easily and not struggle with it.
There weren’t many homeless on the street at that hour. Most of them had found a place to hide. There was a guy I see regularly who sleeps in an indention against a business buildings and there was another person who was asleep in the middle of the sidewalk with a blanket. He/she was snoring.
Not many working girls out. I guess most of them found customers and were done for the evening. There was one who seemed afraid of me, but I told her to be careful out there and God bless. This seemed to calm her down, and she thanked me.
And in between making these small short observations, And I duked it out with God, even though I always know He will win. And I made it home safely.
I’m still talking to him and not all that politely - not just about these recent ill winds blowing against me, but about my entire life. I’ll give you more today.
Thing is, I’m in too deep now.
*****
Cash app: $jbaldilocks
"the God who loves you has a plan for you, and just because you're not sure what it is, does NOT mean things are not proceeding according to plan." This has been my mantra for over 20 years, now. My mantra from the dark nights of my soul was "God is good. Jesus loves me. [insert name] is praying for me."
THANK YOU for sharing your struggles. Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can give. I'm glad we're friends, even if we've never met in person.
Oh, Juliette ... I feel your pain and frustration. I've been reading you for YEARS, and wish I had the money to support you. But please know that I'll be praying. I've been in the valley -- in the wilderness -- for close to 30 years now, and God and I regularly "duke it out." I know He'll always win, and I'm grateful for that, but I also wish that just once He'd tell me WHY. **sigh** God bless you, my sister, and thank you for your honesty and steadfastness.